28 March 2010


     I just love you so much!

There isn’t anything I wouldn't do

   for  you

  Well…. except for that

     and, uhm, not that either

       seriously what kind of girl do you…

Listen, I’ve been thinking

  and, you know, we make much better


Really, it’s not you

  No, there’s nothing you can…


What was that you said?


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Recommended Reading:
Keeping the Love You Find: A Single Persons Guide to Achieving Lasting Love

25 March 2010

I Didn’t Want to be Alone with the Pain

The pulse of lava

     dissolving Earth

Deceptively violent in its  ponderousness

   eroding  the rock  of joint and bone

Sliding  like barbed silk  through the loam  of muscle

Hand over hand – Foot across foot

     like agitated tectonic plates

           a rhythmic, hypnotic shifting

A tear, steam  released from a cracked and shadowed eye,

    evaporatesLava flow during a rift eruption at Krafla in ...


               from  an ashen cheek

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Blogger Labels: Arthritis,SJS,Fibromyalgia,Suffering,Loneliness,Agitation,Pain


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23 March 2010

The Abyss of Alone

Janey tells me tonight, “I don’t like to be alone,” as I put her into her own bed. In my usual fashion I gave what probably is a too adult answer saying, “It’s okay to be alone.” Even at the age of four I think she is learning the most brutal of life’s lessons. Though full understanding may be years away, I could weep for her and as I write this I can feel the sting of unshed tear in my ever dry eyes.

lonelinessNo matter how much  we love or are loved in return we are, in the depth of our very essence, always alone.

I saw a movie or read a book in which there is a scene played out between a young and old woman. The young woman asks the rather cantankerous older woman, “Aren’t you afraid of dying alone?” The response, harsh and simple, “We all die alone.”*

We spend most of our lives trying to fill that hole of alone-ness. We turn to a vast array of addictions, a parade of relationships – sexual and platonic, or depression. An unlucky few try all of them and then some. And still others, by all outward appearances, appear to not have so large an unanswered echo within them. I tend to look at those few lucky souls with a mixture of awe and disbelief.

So tonight I ponder how I will help my child learn to cope with this stark reality of human existence when I, myself, am still trying to come to peace with my own abyss.

*I apologize for my increasingly poor memory. If you recognize the source I reference here please comment so I can give proper credit.

**”When you look into the abyss, the abyss is looking into you.” ~Nietzsche
Blogger Labels: life, lessons, essence, woman, Nietzsche, souls
Recommended Reading:
The Bell Jar

The Mission Statement

I have a voice, buried for years, here it is.

Your words have value. Your story has meaning. Pour it out, let it soak into the void and become.

Blogger Labels: voice,story,Mission Statement,words

Recommended Reading:
Braid (Florida Poetry Series)

A First Attempt

I haven’t written in years. It was something that I thought, at one time, I might have a talent for. Like most things in my life I’ve been waiting. Waiting for that unnamed something has kept me safe from rejection but not safe from failure. Now, at the age of 42 and in poor health I have no more time to wait - no more somedays remain.

I’ve been reading about blogging. Some people make money doing this and I imagine that would be very nice but I don’t have any illusions that my writing will garner a great following. One site suggested having a mission statement for your blog thus treating it as a business. So I think, that while I am not considering this as a business, a mission statement might add focus and weight to what I am doing here. I wish that I had created a mission statement for my life when I was young. I would propose that creating such a statement could be a required course for freshmen entering college.

I’ve lived my life in such a rudderless fashion. I realized recently that I never had a “dream” just vague and slippery ideas of a life path. I envy, and always have, those with a known purpose which they pursue wholeheartedly. Reconnecting with people I went to high school with I am embarrassed by my lacking. I have bemoaned my losses, blaming them on my diseases when in fact I really didn’t have that much to lose.

I know that at times my blog will degenerate into what appears to be a pity party but I think to dig myself out the hole I’m in I may have to dig a bit deeper. And, while that may sound a bit like the mind set of congress and the stimulus plan, I hope that it will be cathartic and cleansing.

My first assignment then, is a Mission Statement

Blogger Labels: waiting,beginner,newbie,mission,life,failure,ideas,path,purpose,blog
Recommended Reading:
The Structure of Delight